You’ll Never Get There

if you can’t first remember to be here

I push the last few bites of my crepe around my plate absentmindedly, staring at the blinking cursor on the screen in front of me. My coffee is cold, but I drink it anyways.

I’ve been working on this draft all week and no matter how many times I sit down to finish it, I can’t seem to get it to a place where I’m happy enough to hit publish. So I left the comfort of my quiet home this morning and took myself to brunch in hopes that the change of scenery would change something within me.

Since leaving my job a month ago, I’ve been pouring my heart into the next chapter of my career. I launched my paid subscription, and I’ve been working tirelessly behind the scenes on business I’m preparing to launch this fall.

At first it was easy. All of it. The website and the copy and the design and the logo and name and the mission. It all came to me in the wonderful effortless way that creativity sometimes does.

But just as it all started to come together, I hit an upper limit.

A self-imposed glass ceiling. A subconscious belief that I don’t deserve the life I’m building. The edge of my comfort zone warning me of danger if I keep going.

My perfectionist inner critic saw this upper limit as a chance to keep me safe. She told me the same story she always has. That the only way to achieve anything is to do it perfectly. Self doubt morphed into self sabotage. What felt so easy for weeks, suddenly seemed insurmountable.

And then I read something that stuck with me.

These words grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me.

I know this business is going to change everything for me. I can sense the person I will be on the other side of this launch. I can see the way she lives her days. I can almost taste the freedom of her life. The desire for that freedom is what brought me here in the first place. But I got so enchanted by the idea of this future me, that I neglected to notice this version of me. The one that is working so hard to breathe life into this dream.

I will never have this version of me again. Let me slow down and be with her.

The version of me that isn’t a business owner.

The version of me that isn’t a published author.

The version of me that isn’t a wife.

The version of me that isn’t a mom.

The version of me that I am right now.

The dreams in our hearts are not random. The ideas we can’t shake are not coincidental. We feel pulled to these things because they already belong to us. We are drawn to them because they are meant for us. It is not a matter of if we can, but a matter of how we will.

In being present with the person we are today, we open ourselves up to the choices and the connections and the ideas that only exist here and now. This is how we find the path forward. This is how we close the gap between where we are and where we want to be. By living each moment with intention. By quieting our minds and putting one foot in front of the other. By finding a way to trust that the person we are right now, is guiding us to the person we want to become.

“Our job is to not project a perfect path forward, but find a way to anchor our hearts true desire into the now.” - Brianna Wiest

When we lose our connection to the now, we risk living a life we’re not proud of. We risk missing the small moments, the beautiful quiet things that make up a life well lived. We risk meeting our end before we ever actually begin.

At its worst, regret is heavy. It’s an unavoidable part of the being human. Something that we all experience at one point or another. But at its best, regret reminds us of the choices we’ve yet to make. The chapters we’ve yet to live. Regret reminds us that we only get each day once. It tells that there are no do-overs. That each and every moment matters.

A beautiful life is not built overnight. It comes together slowly. Day by day. Moment by moment. One decision, one step, one small move at a time. A beautiful life is not just a product of the days we feel our best, the days we get the most done. A beautiful life is built from the bad days too. The off days, sad days, heavy days, boring days. It is all part of the spectrum. A beautiful life is not a perfect one. It is one that is lived with intention and devotion.

I will never have this version of me again.

So let me slow down and be with her.

Let me honor her before she leaves me.

Let me embrace her darkness and embody her light.

Let me see the way life feels through her eyes.

Let me move at a pace that feels steady and true.

Let me build my future with her in mind.

Let me trust her to show me the way forward.

I think it’s so important to share vulnerably about the truth of being human. It would have been so easy for me to write something different this week. So much easier to pretend I wasn’t struggling the way that I am. But that wouldn’t have been the truth and I believe that honesty is crucial to survival.

As always, thank you for reading. Thank you for commenting. Thank you for sharing and subscribing. Thank you for letting me use this space as a canvas for my own growth. A place to play and be creative. To find my voice and open my heart.

If you’re feeling stuck, caught between a closing door and one that has yet to open, know that you are not alone. I’m right there with you, and damn is it an uncomfortable place to be.

But this, like everything in life, is temporary. It will pass.

Love Always,

Krista Marie